paper clips

My blog has officially been compared to paper-clips: sometimes useful but not very interesting.

Ouch.

In person, I'm usually compared to the drunk uncle at Thanksgiving who you keep a close eye on just to see what very inappropriate thing he'll say next.

In person I've got an audience who reacts. I can play off them. I can read the room. If I see a lady at the table wearing a big cross, I'm probably going to leave the alter-boy/priest jokes at the door. If they look like a hippie, I probably won't talk about PETA. That is, People Eating Tasty Animals.

But you folks are inordinately quiet out there. Except for a couple of you anonymous Hebron Ground guys. (you do know that there is an "other" option where you can put your name, right?)

While I'm on the subject of Hebron Ground, let me just mention that you inspired me to write a whole post on the subject of all things Hebron. Be sure to let me know if there's anything I should not forget to include. It'll take a couple days though. I need to scan some pictures.

So I'm assuming that if there's some Wartburg guys reading, it must mean there's some sports fans reading out there.

OK, I'll admit, if it weren't for Chad Feldmann and his patient explanations(thanks Chad) I still wouldn't have a clue what I was seeing when I looked at a football game. At least now, I can feign interest when I have to go to the H.S. football games to watch my step-daughter march at half-time.

If it weren't for Vic, I'd still throw a baseball like a girl (Thanks Vic). Now I don't look completely sissified when joining the kids on the playground for a game of catch at recess. Sidenote: I still have that ball that Vic taught me to throw with.

In H.S., Jacquelyn tried to give me tips on tennis. I thought it would be like a big game of ping-pong. Oh, was I wrong. It didn't help I was using a racquet I'd bought at garage sale for $1.00. But it looked like a cool retro racquet and I still have it to this day. But now it's decoration. I'm trying to make my basement look like Applebee's. All I need is a H.S. football team that's just suffered a difficult loss show up, hang a picture of the heroic, retiring coach on the wall and stick around and find solice in a family size portion of turkey-jalapeno-fun-time-popper wings w/ bacon. (you'll only get that if you've seen the commercial)

I actually attempted to play basketball in J.H. To this day, I don't know what made me want to do it. I played out the season, but I was so ashamed of my chunky legs, I never wore the shorts. I always had on my sweatpants, sweatshirt and headband. I'm also sorry to report that all pictures from that time were destroyed in a tragic scissors accident.

The Hart household was not one of sports. And certainly not of sportsmanship. Anytime we played games, my dad had to win. No matter what, he won. I'm not sure if he just needed to feel better about himself, or if he really wanted to make sure we knew we were losers.

Otherwise, I'm apathetic towards sports . I don't love them. I don't hate them.

One thing I don't get, however, is the fuss over college sports. Entire magazines are devoted to the stuff. Whole radio stations and TV stations are tuned into it. Men (and the occasional lesbian) spend hours discussing it.

At night the radio is turned to an A.M. talk channel that changes to sports every morning. It's either that channel or the christian channel that changes to talk of the market prices for hogs and heifers in the morning.

These guys on the radio get worked up and even ARGUE over COLLEGE KIDS!! Seriously, these guys are going to have college careers of *maybe* two years. How, then, can you predict a season when the team changes every year?

At least professionals have teams that stay semi-coherent for more than a couple years. And if they pick up new players, they usually come from other teams and have a record.

So, guys, explain to me (especially you Wartburg folk who don't really have a alma-mater to cheer for on Saturday afternoon ESPN) why's college ball so big?? Why the fuss?

There. You've been given an assignment. I expect it to be turned in by Monday.

Extra credit if you can explain why guys wear jock-straps at the YMCA. Is it because your butt can't stand being confined?