Well, it's really Kawanza. But we're in the 12 days of Christmas. So it counts.
For the first time in the 5 years there were NO house projects being finished on Christmas Eve. None. Zilch. The house was even cleaned the day before family came.
The last 5 years, there's been wet paint on at least one wall when family showed up. This year I actually got to relax... to a point.
This was Dustin's family's Christmas. And as much as his mom grates on me (don't all mother-in-laws?) we had a good time. They don't do the traditional meal that most folks (my family included) do. They opt for chili and nachos and more sweets than you can shake a stick at. And this year they added a chocolate fountain that kept tripping our breakers. I've never seen a chocolate fountain. And I never need to see one again. I prefer dark chocolate and these fountains apparently need oily milk chocolate to work. Of the 4 lbs of chocolate that got put in the fountain, about 3.5 went down the drain at the end of the night.
It was a pretty simple year for gifts. I gave Dustin some green glassware that I dislike but he's been oggling for a while. Dustin gave me a cashmere sweater and some new 501s.
And it helped that the 10 inches of snow (which the weather channel reported as a three inch total) made for the first white Christmas in a long time.
We're off to St. Louis a little earlier than planned tomorrow. Mom's hip popped out of socket on Christmas Day. No cutting needed. Apparently a swift kick popped it back in. But mom's gonna need some help.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Thursday, December 20, 2007
sing-a-long
I post this for the benefit of my loyal readers.
The latest poll shows that most of my readers are well-educated and well-informed citizens. I, therefore, find it prudent to share with you this report:
Festive Seasonal Greetings
from the
Senate Committee on the Judiciary
for the Ethical Rules and Standards
of
Non-Denominational Festive Seasonal Melodies.
In light of standards set forth by the committee on all-inclusive anti-segregative celebrations; It has been deemed necessary and vital by this committee that all tunes and melodies having to do with this so-called "Holiday" season should be reviewed and revised as so not to offend or discriminate against any individual either living or dead. And so follows the Committee's first act in revisions of titles of these festive tunes:
1. Oh Come All Ye Faithful
-Move hitherto the entire assembly of those who are loyal in their belief.
2. Hark the Herald Angels Sing
-Listen, the celestial messengers produce harmonious sounds
3. Silent Night
-Nocturnal time span of unbroken quietness.
4. Joy To The World
-An emotion excited by the acquisition or expectation of good given to the terrestrial sphere
5. Deck the Halls
-Embellish the interior passageways
6. Angels We Have Heard on High
-Exalted heavenly beings to whom we have hearkened.
7. It Came Upon a Midnight Clear
-Twelve o'clock on a clement night witnessed its arrival.
8. The First Noel
-The mass of the Christian religion preceding all others.
9. Oh Little Town of Bethlehem
-Small municipality in Judea southeast of Jerusalem
10. Little Drummer Boy
-Diminutive masculine master of skin-covered percussionistic cylinders.
11. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
-Omnipotent Supreme Being who elicits respite to ecstatic distinguished males.
12. Peach on Earth
-Tranquility upon the terrestrial sphere.
13. Frosty The Snowman
-Obese personification fabricated of compressed mounds of minute crystals formed from a bond of frozen hydrogen and oxygen.
14. Santa Claus is Coming to Town
-Expectation of arrival to populated area by mythical, masculine perennial gift-giver.
15. White Christmas
-Natal celebration devoid of color
16. Oh, Holy Night
-In awe of the nocturnal time span characterized by religiosity.
17. Winter Wonderland
-Geographic state of fantasy during the season of Mother Nature’s dormancy
18. We Three Kings
-The first person nominative plural of a triumvirate of far eastern heads of state.
19. Jingle Bells
-Tintinnabulation of vacillating pendulums in inverted, metallic, resonant cups
20. Away in a Manger
-In a distant location the existence of an improvised unit of newborn children’s slumber furniture
21. Go Tell it on the Mountain
-Proceed forth declaring upon a specific geological alpine formation
22. We Wish You a Merry Christmas
-Jovial yuletide desired for the second person singular or plural by us
23. Good King Wenceslas
-Benevolent central European regal male
24. I'll Be Home for Christmas
-Expectation of being present in domicile contemporaneous with observation of seasonal milestones
25. Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer
-Genus Rangifer Quadruped with Crimson Proboscis
26. What Child is This?
-Please identify the specific offspring
27. Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire
-Coetaneous-colored tree seeds exsiccated in a conflagration
28. I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
-First person singular apprehending the maternal parent osculating with a corpulent unshaven male in crimson disguise.
The latest poll shows that most of my readers are well-educated and well-informed citizens. I, therefore, find it prudent to share with you this report:
Festive Seasonal Greetings
from the
Senate Committee on the Judiciary
for the Ethical Rules and Standards
of
Non-Denominational Festive Seasonal Melodies.
In light of standards set forth by the committee on all-inclusive anti-segregative celebrations; It has been deemed necessary and vital by this committee that all tunes and melodies having to do with this so-called "Holiday" season should be reviewed and revised as so not to offend or discriminate against any individual either living or dead. And so follows the Committee's first act in revisions of titles of these festive tunes:
1. Oh Come All Ye Faithful
-Move hitherto the entire assembly of those who are loyal in their belief.
2. Hark the Herald Angels Sing
-Listen, the celestial messengers produce harmonious sounds
3. Silent Night
-Nocturnal time span of unbroken quietness.
4. Joy To The World
-An emotion excited by the acquisition or expectation of good given to the terrestrial sphere
5. Deck the Halls
-Embellish the interior passageways
6. Angels We Have Heard on High
-Exalted heavenly beings to whom we have hearkened.
7. It Came Upon a Midnight Clear
-Twelve o'clock on a clement night witnessed its arrival.
8. The First Noel
-The mass of the Christian religion preceding all others.
9. Oh Little Town of Bethlehem
-Small municipality in Judea southeast of Jerusalem
10. Little Drummer Boy
-Diminutive masculine master of skin-covered percussionistic cylinders.
11. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
-Omnipotent Supreme Being who elicits respite to ecstatic distinguished males.
12. Peach on Earth
-Tranquility upon the terrestrial sphere.
13. Frosty The Snowman
-Obese personification fabricated of compressed mounds of minute crystals formed from a bond of frozen hydrogen and oxygen.
14. Santa Claus is Coming to Town
-Expectation of arrival to populated area by mythical, masculine perennial gift-giver.
15. White Christmas
-Natal celebration devoid of color
16. Oh, Holy Night
-In awe of the nocturnal time span characterized by religiosity.
17. Winter Wonderland
-Geographic state of fantasy during the season of Mother Nature’s dormancy
18. We Three Kings
-The first person nominative plural of a triumvirate of far eastern heads of state.
19. Jingle Bells
-Tintinnabulation of vacillating pendulums in inverted, metallic, resonant cups
20. Away in a Manger
-In a distant location the existence of an improvised unit of newborn children’s slumber furniture
21. Go Tell it on the Mountain
-Proceed forth declaring upon a specific geological alpine formation
22. We Wish You a Merry Christmas
-Jovial yuletide desired for the second person singular or plural by us
23. Good King Wenceslas
-Benevolent central European regal male
24. I'll Be Home for Christmas
-Expectation of being present in domicile contemporaneous with observation of seasonal milestones
25. Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer
-Genus Rangifer Quadruped with Crimson Proboscis
26. What Child is This?
-Please identify the specific offspring
27. Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire
-Coetaneous-colored tree seeds exsiccated in a conflagration
28. I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
-First person singular apprehending the maternal parent osculating with a corpulent unshaven male in crimson disguise.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
must be santa
The whole "Santa at the mall" is just sad. And scary.
Santa needs to stay where he belongs. In our imagination.
What's worse, though, than the actual santa in that faux gold chair in the middle of commercialism's shrine known as the mall are the parents who force their children onto the lap of the poor sap who needed the extra dough.
Parents are constantly telling their children to avoid strangers. And though every child hopes to meet Santa, even in those early years they know that the man in the mall ain't the real deal and he is, just like the creepy guy in the trench on the corner, a "danger stranger."
Santa needs to stay where he belongs. In our imagination.
What's worse, though, than the actual santa in that faux gold chair in the middle of commercialism's shrine known as the mall are the parents who force their children onto the lap of the poor sap who needed the extra dough.
Parents are constantly telling their children to avoid strangers. And though every child hopes to meet Santa, even in those early years they know that the man in the mall ain't the real deal and he is, just like the creepy guy in the trench on the corner, a "danger stranger."
Sunday, December 16, 2007
family ties
We got the call Wednesday that company was on their way.
And that they would be staying. Indefinitely.
Six hours of obsessive cleaning and de-gaying later (for his family, not mine.) they arrived.
To make a long story short, over the last five days we have, at various times, had 10+ people staying in our house. And though we have 2700 sq ft to play in, it's hard to get away from the romping feet of 2 and 3 year olds in a house where the builder deemed it excessive to place insulation between the floor joists.
But tonight they're gone, the house is quiet again. And the dildos are back in their places of prominence around the house. (kidding. just the nudie coffee table books are back.)
And to further get you in the mood, here's my favorite youtube video of all time. I know you've seen it. But it's everything I love. Festive but not cliche. Over-the-top, but not *too* over the top. And synced to music. And I love anything, *anything* synced to music.
And that they would be staying. Indefinitely.
Six hours of obsessive cleaning and de-gaying later (for his family, not mine.) they arrived.
To make a long story short, over the last five days we have, at various times, had 10+ people staying in our house. And though we have 2700 sq ft to play in, it's hard to get away from the romping feet of 2 and 3 year olds in a house where the builder deemed it excessive to place insulation between the floor joists.
But tonight they're gone, the house is quiet again. And the dildos are back in their places of prominence around the house. (kidding. just the nudie coffee table books are back.)
And to further get you in the mood, here's my favorite youtube video of all time. I know you've seen it. But it's everything I love. Festive but not cliche. Over-the-top, but not *too* over the top. And synced to music. And I love anything, *anything* synced to music.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
joys and blessings
The joys and blessings of having 20 full-sized trees on a city-sized lot.
Joys:
1. Lots of shade in the summer
2. They're pretty.
Blessings:
1. Great exercise picking up the numerous twigs and branches it drops all summer long so it doesn't chew up the lawn mower.
2. Grass won't grow. (That so-called "shade grass seed" they sell? Bull.) So I don't have much mowing.
3. Birds love the trees. And the piles and piles shit they drop would be great fertilizer... if grass would grow. But it really spices up the color of an otherwise gray and bland driveway.
4. The huge pile of leaves you rake up is great for the neighborhood kids to jump in, kick around and respread (because you ran out of daylight before you could carry it away because what you thought would take a couple hours turned into 6 hours of raking) thus giving you twice the exercise because you have to re-rake.
5. The ice is so pretty on the branches. Even when they're laying all over the yard and driveway because you didn't heed the warning of a neighbor who said that most of the trees were diseased and need to be either seriously trimmed or cut down because you liked the shade and cutting down the trees would be unthinkable.
6. And more exercise because ice laden branches weight a whole lot more than non-ice laden branches as you haul them out of the driveway. But the exercise is good because it warms the body and you need that warmth because the power has been out for a while and though you have a fireplace, the cheap ass contractor who built your house put in a very non-efficient fireplace that sends most of the heat up the chimney and it really only warms about 10 sq ft of a 2700 sq ft house.
Otherwise we're in good spirits. The power is back on today. We spent the evening at a friends, drinking wine and crying over "Steel Magnolias."
My mantra: "I love the trees, they add beauty and value. I love the trees, they add beauty and value. I love the trees, they add beauty and value."
Joys:
1. Lots of shade in the summer
2. They're pretty.
Blessings:
1. Great exercise picking up the numerous twigs and branches it drops all summer long so it doesn't chew up the lawn mower.
2. Grass won't grow. (That so-called "shade grass seed" they sell? Bull.) So I don't have much mowing.
3. Birds love the trees. And the piles and piles shit they drop would be great fertilizer... if grass would grow. But it really spices up the color of an otherwise gray and bland driveway.
4. The huge pile of leaves you rake up is great for the neighborhood kids to jump in, kick around and respread (because you ran out of daylight before you could carry it away because what you thought would take a couple hours turned into 6 hours of raking) thus giving you twice the exercise because you have to re-rake.
5. The ice is so pretty on the branches. Even when they're laying all over the yard and driveway because you didn't heed the warning of a neighbor who said that most of the trees were diseased and need to be either seriously trimmed or cut down because you liked the shade and cutting down the trees would be unthinkable.
6. And more exercise because ice laden branches weight a whole lot more than non-ice laden branches as you haul them out of the driveway. But the exercise is good because it warms the body and you need that warmth because the power has been out for a while and though you have a fireplace, the cheap ass contractor who built your house put in a very non-efficient fireplace that sends most of the heat up the chimney and it really only warms about 10 sq ft of a 2700 sq ft house.
Otherwise we're in good spirits. The power is back on today. We spent the evening at a friends, drinking wine and crying over "Steel Magnolias."
My mantra: "I love the trees, they add beauty and value. I love the trees, they add beauty and value. I love the trees, they add beauty and value."
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