The latest poll shows that most of my readers are well-educated and well-informed citizens. I, therefore, find it prudent to share with you this report:
Festive Seasonal Greetings
from the
Senate Committee on the Judiciary
for the Ethical Rules and Standards
of
Non-Denominational Festive Seasonal Melodies.
In light of standards set forth by the committee on all-inclusive anti-segregative celebrations; It has been deemed necessary and vital by this committee that all tunes and melodies having to do with this so-called "Holiday" season should be reviewed and revised as so not to offend or discriminate against any individual either living or dead. And so follows the Committee's first act in revisions of titles of these festive tunes:
1. Oh Come All Ye Faithful
-Move hitherto the entire assembly of those who are loyal in their belief.
2. Hark the Herald Angels Sing
-Listen, the celestial messengers produce harmonious sounds
3. Silent Night
-Nocturnal time span of unbroken quietness.
4. Joy To The World
-An emotion excited by the acquisition or expectation of good given to the terrestrial sphere
5. Deck the Halls
-Embellish the interior passageways
6. Angels We Have Heard on High
-Exalted heavenly beings to whom we have hearkened.
7. It Came Upon a Midnight Clear
-Twelve o'clock on a clement night witnessed its arrival.
8. The First Noel
-The mass of the Christian religion preceding all others.
9. Oh Little Town of Bethlehem
-Small municipality in Judea southeast of Jerusalem
10. Little Drummer Boy
-Diminutive masculine master of skin-covered percussionistic cylinders.
11. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
-Omnipotent Supreme Being who elicits respite to ecstatic distinguished males.
12. Peach on Earth
-Tranquility upon the terrestrial sphere.
13. Frosty The Snowman
-Obese personification fabricated of compressed mounds of minute crystals formed from a bond of frozen hydrogen and oxygen.
14. Santa Claus is Coming to Town
-Expectation of arrival to populated area by mythical, masculine perennial gift-giver.
15. White Christmas
-Natal celebration devoid of color
16. Oh, Holy Night
-In awe of the nocturnal time span characterized by religiosity.
17. Winter Wonderland
-Geographic state of fantasy during the season of Mother Nature’s dormancy
18. We Three Kings
-The first person nominative plural of a triumvirate of far eastern heads of state.
19. Jingle Bells
-Tintinnabulation of vacillating pendulums in inverted, metallic, resonant cups
20. Away in a Manger
-In a distant location the existence of an improvised unit of newborn children’s slumber furniture
21. Go Tell it on the Mountain
-Proceed forth declaring upon a specific geological alpine formation
22. We Wish You a Merry Christmas
-Jovial yuletide desired for the second person singular or plural by us
23. Good King Wenceslas
-Benevolent central European regal male
24. I'll Be Home for Christmas
-Expectation of being present in domicile contemporaneous with observation of seasonal milestones
25. Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer
-Genus Rangifer Quadruped with Crimson Proboscis
26. What Child is This?
-Please identify the specific offspring
27. Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire
-Coetaneous-colored tree seeds exsiccated in a conflagration
28. I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
-First person singular apprehending the maternal parent osculating with a corpulent unshaven male in crimson disguise.
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