new year

Retrospect. It can be a lovely as that first kiss you've been waiting for and as ugly as that feeling the morning after.

I'm more than a little guilty of indulging in retrospect. It's hard for me to gauge where I am if I don't look to see where I've been. But it gets really easy for me to romanticize things that weren't all that fond to begin with.

Case in point: 2008.

2008 immediately conjures up memories of 1998. See, there was life before 1998 and then after '98.

Growing up, I always knew I could manipulate my surroundings. There wasn't much I couldn't change to my own will. Whether it was creating a "fort" out of my mom's lilac hedge, creating a new "club" (remember when kids' club were *the* thing in the 80's? good times.) building a theater in my parents' garage, building a replica 19th century herb garden, making the dining room into a restaurant, or tearing out and rebuilding a closet (walls and all.) If I didn't have the means or the knowledge, I found a way. If I didn't have the manpower, I found it.

But until 1998, all I knew how to change was my surroundings. I didn't know how to change myself.

Then one cold January day in 1998, during a gym class that I was pissed I had to take, I discovered something that I didn't know about myself.

I could run a mile.

Being completely astonished by the fact that I could hurtle my 250 lb. body around a 1/10 mile track enough times to finish a mile, I had to try again. And again. And again. Slowing figuring out that I could go a little further each time.

I even started paying attention to what I ate. I had NEVER thought about calories or fat. I didn't even notice that the cafeteria I ate in every day actually had lots of healthy food that didn't taste so bad.

In that same gym class (which I still abhorred at this point) I learned how to lift weights. And discovered that every week I was able to lift more and more.

In reality, I was only continuing to do all this running and weight lifting because I couldn't believe I could actually do it.

Lo and behold, I noticed my clothes weren't fitting anymore. They were LOOSE.

By the summer of 1998, I'd gone down to about 175 lbs and was running almost 10 miles every run.

I did concrete construction that summer. I worked at a gas station. I did landscaping on the campus and detassled corn in real corn fields. All jobs I had previously thought beneath me.

Not only did I look different (WAY different) I felt different. People treated me different. I made friends with people I would have never made friends with.

Everything seemed easier.

That year I realized I could do anything. Not just change what was around me (thought I was, and still am, good at that.) I could change *me.* I realized there was nothing that was beyond me.

Ten years on, I still gauge where I am now by that year. Lots has changed. A few things haven't.

I still have sideburns. (I think I look weird without them.) and the stereo system I bought with that summer money is the same one that's the centerpiece of my entertainment center today.

But sooo much has changed.

In 1998 I hadn't yet realized I was gay, though everyone else already knew. Conservative college...family aspirations...cultural stigma... it's a long story.

I didn't know I would be teaching. I didn't know I would be living in Kansas.

And looking back, 2008 wasn't the best of anniversaries. I've put back on some weight. Going by my pre-christmas weight, I'm at 196. (the holiday pounds will come off when the goodies go away.) My own and my families health hasn't been the best. Financial concerns are more ominous. And I've lost touch with far too many friends.

But I'm alive. The new job is so much harder and so much more rewarding than I'd ever thought. And I have people who love me.

I'm anxious to see where the next year takes me. Let's hope it's only up from here.

Happy New Year.