here's the deal

So I've been gone for a while.

Life has had it's upheavals for me in the last year. And as upheavals go, it wasn't pretty.

I was in a relationship for 6.5 years. I brought it to an end at the beginning of June.

What actually pisses me off is how long I stayed. I put on the pretty face, I said what I was expected to say in public. No one ever knew what was going on behind the scenes. Half the time (in hindsight) I didn't even know what was going on.

But I got bitter. Somewhat mean. Completely disheartened. Humorless and incapable of being completely honest. And, seriously, that's not me. At all. I was having a hard time even making a good poop joke.

Honestly, I'm a person who's always thought he knew who he was. And after letting this go on for so long, I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that I crawled into so many holes and so many corners and shut out what was the truth that I lost track of myself.

It's been a slow climb out this summer and fall. I'm still completely distrusting of people, strike that, men. I think I'm unconsciously taking it out on the guys in my choir. (poor fellows.) And I'm working to the bone to pay off debt for things that are no longer in my possession. So even a social life is tough.

Ironically, while trying to get back on my feet, working so many hours, I feel like I've gotten less good at my work.

OK. Is that all vague and generic enough??

I promised myself at least a year of being single. It will be my first full year of being single since coming out at 21. (note: I'm now 31.)

I've heard enough people tell me it's not worth dwelling. They're right, to a degree. But I'm hoping I learned something from this and won't repeat it. However, looking back at my "100 list" I realize that a lot of my dislikes on that list were directly from this past relationship. It reminds me of a play I wrote in college about a closeted lesbian... and didn't even realize the entire story was about me.

Wait, no. I'm not a lesbian. Vaginas scare me in a way spiders scare some people. I meant... oh hell, if I have to explain it.

So, what's next?