imbibment

Let me get something off my chest first.

A note to women: Anytime a man looses weight, please do no assume it's easy. We have to work our bottoms off to loose weight just like you. And if you were working out twice a day and eating well, you'd probably loose just as fast and just as much.

How I wish I had a dollar for every time one of the ladies I've worked with has asked how much I've lost (30 lbs, for the record) and then followed it up with "yeah, but it's so easy for men to loose weight."

NO! It isn't!

It just so happens that most of the women I work with are also on weight watchers. Which is great. I applaud them for putting forth an effort.

I'm not doing weight watchers. I'm on a four word weight loss plan: EAT LESS. EXERCISE MORE.

So I'm eating a lot less. And when I do eat, it's the good stuff. And I'm training for a triathlon. I swim. I bike. I run. I lift weights.

You do all that, and you'll loose weight too.

Stop telling me it's easy.

OK. Thanks.

Onto more interesting subjects.

Last fall I got a call from Gallup. Yeah, you know, the folks that NPR and NBC are always quoting, "The latest Gallup poll shows that 89% of Americans believe Dick Cheney appeared fully formed from under a moist rock."

So I got excited believing that my opinions would finally be heard on the political situation in America.

Oh, the disappointment to find out they wanted to know about my drinking habits. The alcoholic sort of drinking habits.

It became pretty clear that I wasn't going to be quoted on NPR, so I decided to have fun.

According to Gallup: I drink several times a week. I only drink Budweiser. I think anything besides beer is a girly drink. I most often drink in the company of friends. I have at least 5 drinks per sitting.

I was almost sure that my answers would put me on the "do not call" list because I'm not sure I was consistent with all my answers.

Apparently I was.

Since that first call, I've been called 3 more times by Gallup. Always asking me about my drinking problem.

Each time, I've been increasing my drinking load. (stress at work)

And while the first three pollsters used a nice monotone, non-judgemental voice when asking me questions, the last girl must have been new.

As the questioning continued, she started to get this worried tone in her voice. I was almost positive she was going to give me the number for a 12-step program, AA or at least recommend I talk to the Bush twins about my problems.

She ended the conversation with "Thank you and have a good day."

I replied, "Yup, I'm off to to finish that case of Bud in the garage."

She timidly, with great concern, replied, "Well, please be safe and responsible, sir."

I said "Will do." but wanted to say, "I'm an excellent driver."