pain

There's no question about this. I've led a fairly charmed life. Even at this moment, as I finish my third cup of freshly ground coffee after having a breakfast of a fresh fruit salad I cut up this morning with some eggs and a biscuit, I know that my life is pretty darn close to idyllic.

That's why it's disturbing when events like last week's shooting enter my world. For a brief moment it brings me back to a place that isn't comfortable, that isn't idyllic.

If I start to think of all the things wrong in our world, (over-population, over-pollution, uneven wealth distribution, war-mongering) I tend to get depressed. On more than one occasion, I've talked with my friend Ted about this. What gets me most depressed about all that's wrong is the complete feeling of helplessness. It could literally all come crashing down around us tomorrow. And there's nothing me or you could do about it.

I can't remember what Ted's response was. I must not have found it brilliant since I don't remember it.

So most of the time, I do what I can. I drive a small car. I turn off the lights. I recycle when I can. I try to buy locally. But all that is just small drops of saline in a polluted ocean.

What scared me more than the shootings this week was a bomb threat that was called into our school district on Thursday. No, I didn't think there was a bomb. When was the last legitimate bomb threat called in? If someone's going to bomb something, they don't tell you about it. If someone's going to shoot up a school, they don't tell you about it.

The scariest thing was not the threat, but the reaction of the parents. More than 3500 kids were pulled from the schools by their parents. They were ranting and yelling at the administration as to why every parent of the 10,000+ students in our district had not been called. They wanted to know why schools hadn't been closed. They wanted to know why life didn't stop.

Now imagine a rumor of bird flu has gotten out. What kind of panic would THAT induce? It's the panic of the masses that scares me. The ill-conceived, fallacy-ridden logic that accompanies group-think. More than one parent told me that they only got their kids because their neighbors were getting their kids and they didn't want to look like the bad parent.

Sheep, people. Do not be sheep.

I felt like I was surrounded by Chicken Littles all day.

What touched me most about Monday's shootings was the thought of the families who lost students. THAT is a feeling of helplessness I can't come close to understanding.

I began to think about the siblings of those who were injured or killed. And it made me grateful for my own brother and sister.

My family is not typical. We're not completely dysfunctional, but we're not the Cleavers. We're all adults, but don't expect to come to dinner and hear and hour of high-minded discussion.

And even though we're not close to being perfect, we care deeply about each other. (But there's an unspoken rule, we don't talk about feelings... especially in regard to each other.)

When I was 7 or 8 and getting blood transfusions for my Leukemia, my older brother held me on his lap the entire time.

When I was in college, I couldn't afford to go to Europe, so my older sister gave me the rest of the money I needed to go, even though she probably needed the money for more practical things.

And I can't even begin to tell you how much my mom has done for me. Even when she really shouldn't or really can't, she still helps.

Monday made me realize how much I really love my family, even if I'm not allowed to talk about it.